Chances are if you are reading this, it is likely that you have been referred to as part fish because you love to be wet and on, in, or near the water. For us 'fish people', pursuing this call is usually a driving force behind almost every decision and each day's agenda. It is not so much what we do as much as who we are.
I learned recently, that the reality is we can have this ambition, drive, calling - whatever you want to call it - taken away by something outside our control. In my recent experience, this is one of the most difficult moments to face. I began to understand this as I watched my friends and a few of the older surfers I know get to a point where they no longer surfed, but were unable to process how and why they stopped.
Recently, I found myself with a lot of time to reflect on this reality when a serious injury to the head forced me to lay face down for five days, followed by five more when I was not allowed to off the couch and then as I was forced to be largely inactive and out of the ocean for over a month in order to fully recover.
I was injured by an out of control surfboard that bashed into the side of my head and tore my retina loose. The doctor explained to me that my injury resulted from the force of the blow which banged my eye so violently against the side of my skull that the retina tore free. As I dried out in recovery, I found myself getting increasingly anxious and even more restless until I was able to recognize the cause of my spinning mind and jittery body. On one level, I was grateful to be on the mend, but on the other, I struggled mightily with the inactivity.
Sight is something that I can easily take for granted. After the accident, being faced with the possibility of losing my sight in one eye was a sobering moment that I would not wish on anyone. The anxiety I experienced was unlike anything I felt before. If the accident had been my fault, and I had been being stupid or aggressive, I think it would have been easier to handle. However, this accident was because of a guy who can be best defined as a 'less-than-competent surfer' and - to make matters worse - not a very nice person. He is the kind of kook that every surf town has a version of : wealthy, self-important and thinks he is a far better surfer than he actually is - all while also imagining himself as somehow more special than the rest of us.
I try to live my life by making the world a better place and I always treat others as I would want to be treated. Ordinarily, people like this guy I tend to just ignore and, despite the occasional desire to make a comment, I do not. However, as I struggled with the anger and demons in my head while laying face down for those five days in convelescence, I imagined doing nasty things to the kook who hit me. One night towards the end of my recovery, I had a dream that I burned down his house and, when I woke up, I was horrified that my mind had gone there (even in whatever state a dream is).
The dream made me wake up feeling sick and horrified by whatever part of my mind had gone so dark in my anger. When I reflected on how troubled I was by the dream, I vacillated between being mad at the person who had caused my injury and myself for allowing such darkness to intrude.
In life, I have experience dealing with anger. My brother died at an early age and, for a year following his accident I struggled with a grief that manifested itself into borderline insane anger. It was not until I was able to realize what I was experiencing and why that I was finally able to come to terms with the anger. Only then was I able to move on. However, somehow for these last few weeks while I was recovering from the head injury, the lesson I had learned a year ago was lost on me as my anger returned as a direct result of this accidental - and easily avoided - injury.
Realizing this later that day as I was walking the beach watching the surf while some good friends were having fun out there, I noticed an abundance of plastic debris scattered along the high tide line. As these thoughts were swirling around in my brain, I almost unconsciously started to gather the trash into one of the ever-present dog poop bags in my pocket.
Collecting the plastic on the beach was a simple act and not an unusual one, unfortunately. Yet, as I alternated between watching the surf and spotting more plastic, I was overcome by the realization that every moment in life, whether big or small, comes down to how you respond to it and what you choose to do in response to each situation. Big and small. From: do you choose to hold open the door for a stranger in passing to do you seek revenge for accidents that impact you? I knew I could choose to walk past the plastic in that moment as I could also choose to let the anger fester inside me. Or, the other option was I could move on and focus on what really mattered and how I navigate what comes next. Did I want to make the most of this day, this moment, the next wave and was I focusing on what matters most?
It also occurred to me that - as a surfer- I tend to be what my friends say is “very undiscerning”, meaning that, if it is surfable and I have time, I usually go and ride a few. I always hear a voice in my head that says, “When in doubt, paddle out!” And, I know that I never feel worse or less alive after getting in the ocean.
So, as I stood on the frosty beach that day watching the surf and holding a bag full of trash, the anger washed away. I realized that if the guy who hit me had walked by in that moment I would not punch him as I had been imagining I would. In fact, I was positive that I would not say a word about it at all. The anger was behind me.
This whole experience taught me a valuable lesson, and it made me appreciate what I have and how much I love the ocean for all its gifts. In the end, the experience made me realize that every session is precious, and every moment is ours to make of it what we will.
Whether it be age, injury or another circumstance, we all have a last session and most of us will never know when that session will be. So the lesson in this day - for me - was to embrace every moment I had to continue to have fun, spread the love and make the most of each and every day.
Author’s Note: This piece is submitted by a fish that wishes to remain anonymous because the story is not about who or where, but the focus on the now and maintaining a positive outlook; therefore, it was the only way it could be shared. Thanks for listening.
