Session Magazine's regular columnist Eric Sanford tries his hand at the water lover's "Dear Abby" style of article. What results is a hilarious question and response on questions you never thought to ask (but wanted to!).
I commute to work on my windsurfer. Is it OK to wear my wetsuit in the office?
Absolutely. I’ve been doing it for years and other than some small stains on the carpet and a bit of mold growing on the armrests, no one seems to mind. Or notice. Of course, I’m the only one in my office — which also doubles as my bedroom…. and kitchen… and car… but let’s not get picky here. Some of your co-workers might be a bit confused by your black, rubbery appearance, but then again I’m always a bit confused by the white, pasty appearance of people I see working in offices.
I have a trailer with 34 boards on it. What’s the best vehicle for towing it?
Hands down there is only ONE rig with the umph to get your goods from backyard to beach in style: a 600hp PeterBuilt Class 8/379 with, according to their website, ‘aircraft-grade huckbolts’ and a 70” Unibilt UltraCab Sleeper. Heck, you could haul the entire Naish factory around with this baby. I’m not sure what ‘huckbolts’ are but they sure sound cool!
If you can’t locate a Peterbilt, my second choice would be a 426hp Case 340 with a ‘Heaped Capacity’ of 28.8 cubic yards. That’s about the size of my house. While it only comes in yellow, it does have a Rated Payload of 79,366 pounds (equivalent to 5,292 Slingshot foil boards or 500 of your closest friends).
I accidentally ran into my friend while kitesurfing and broke his board, tore his kite, punctured his spleen and knocked out all his front teeth (he still has some in the back for chewing). What’s the best way to say ‘I’m sorry’?
There’s only one way to really say you’re sorry: a Hallmark card. There’s a reason that this company has been making people feel gay in times of unhappiness all these years, you know.
I would suggest a birthday card; everyone is cheery on their birthday. Since everyone also likes to feel young—especially when recuperating in traction—I’d definitely recommend one for a ‘younger’ person, say a four-year-old. And heck, throw in a couple balloons!
My gray Ampro windsurfing mast broke last week. Is it still under warranty?
Of course! Everything is under warranty; you just have to be confident in your presentation. I suggest bringing it back to the shop where you bought it. In 1984. If that shop has moved (to the great windsurfing warehouse in the sky) then just go to any other windsurf shop and when they ask you where you got that thing tell them (with confidence, of course) that you got it right there. In 1984.
If they try to tell you that, a) they never sold that brand of mast; b) it’s not under warranty; c) you must have done something wrong to break a 40 pound mast; or d) their shop didn’t open until 2003, start talking loudly. Demand to talk to the manager, the owner, the property owner, their lawyer, dentist, gardener and all the neighbors. Make a scene. Stores hate scenes and they will immediately give you a new mast just to get you out of there. This is called a ‘Warranty’, as in “Warranty the biggest jerk you ever saw?”
How do I get my girlfriend to come to the beach with me and sit there all day in the howling wind watching me kite?
Easy: buy her an engagement ring. Tell her you just need one more itsy-bitsy, tiny-winey session before you two lovebirds head to the altar at which time you will get a job, wear a suit, buy a ‘real’ car, and help her in the garden on Saturdays. When you come back to the beach after an epic 6-hour wave session, tell her you’ve changed your mind. Oops.
Of course this will only happen once but hey, you said ‘day’ not ‘days’. I just answer the questions as they come in.
I have the day off tomorrow. What’s the best place to learn to wingfoil?
I have only found one good place: on the water. People have tried to foil on other stuff—dirt, ice, snow, asphalt—but it’s just not the same. I would suggest finding a place where the water is at least six feet deep. This would exclude your bathroom floor, the puddle in your driveway, your daughter's goldfish bowl and in your beer. I only say this because these are places that have water and my editor recently told me that this magazine's liability insurance company is watching me ‘very closely’.
I have heard that windsurfing has been canceled. Is that just for this week?
Whoa, where did you hear that? They certainly didn’t tell me anything about it! I did hear that a Taylor Swift concert in Namibia was canceled…. and Netflix sent me a notice that they were canceling my account because I posted my password on Instagram, but as far as I know windsurfing is still out there. Somewhere. It just might be hard to see through the surfers, kiters, wing dingers, foilboarders, SUPs, kitefoilers, and all manner of water toys, all of which are in great demand until the next new thing comes along.
Do people ever actually follow your advice?